bachelorette week 9: playwrights discuss

JA: You know how I know I’m in the 99 percent? I have no idea what or where Curacao is. Until this point, I thought it was just that blue stuff they put in cocktails to make them pretty.

Yup. If Dave Read were a tomato with a Texas accent, he’d be Sean. I totally see it.

Sean is undeniably husband material. But I honestly don’t think he gives Em vagina tingles. He certainly gives me tingles. Spine tingles. Because I’m still thinking about that cookie crumb stuffed animal disaster room. I seriously think if they started cleaning up that room, they’d find Amelia Earhart.

So remember when Emily mentioned Jef’s “edge”? Oh no? You don’t remember? Well, just stay awake another five seconds because she’s GUARANTEED TO SAY IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Like. Am I in my own awful version of “Groundhog Day” where I’m doomed to watch the same episode of this show over and over again?

SA: I thought this episode was mainly filler. We've seen and heard all of this before. I am now in CA with none of my regular  bachelorette viewing friends so I forced my sister to watch this one with me. She has seen none of the previous episodes. Her fresh take was that Sean would be the best fit for Em bc he seems like he actually wants to be a husband and father and she thinks they are well matched intellectually (ie a few sandwiches short of a picnic) . That Jef is on as a joke and all his friends are laughing (ps his instragram @jefholm makes him look way cooler than this show does) That Arie is possible bisexual and may or may not be hitting it with possible gay Jef and that the best match for Emily is Chris Harrison. She also thinks Emily is closer to 36 than 26.

JA: Okay, but no joke. If someone wrote me the letter that Jef wrote Emily, I’d have the sexuals with him. But the question remains: Is Em ready to be a Sister Wife?

SA: I was sad my sis missed last week because I kept saying things like, "She and Jef actually are cute and do have chemistry just not in this episode." Her response was that Jef is a little man and that Emily is close to 40.

JA: You know what I like about the beach episodes? Eye candy. And I’m not talking about the palm trees. You know, when you adjust the color balance on your screen, Sean doesn’t look half bad.

“Today, Sean and I are gonna go to an island in the middle of the ocean and just…hang out.” Can ABC please subsidize all my dates?

Aww my name is Emily and I’m a whiny whiny crybaby because I’ve known Sean for a WHOLE WEEK and he still hasn’t said I LOVE YOU waah waah waah change my diaper

SA: I'm gonna make this man whose afraid of saying I love you, say I love you just so I can dump him on national tv. Just leave it at him not saying it and then have a reason to send him home.

JA: And…cue more vapid conversation. Sean had one girlfriend for three years but she was actually a girlfriend, you know, like a friend who was a girl. Can you imagine dating someone and having three years of awkward buddy handshakes and those “bro” hugs where he slaps your back really hard to let you know that it’s not gay? Oh, Sean. If you don’t step it up, you could be back in Texas rooming with that girl Kensington or Paddington or whatever her name is – the one with the guesthouse where the dolls live.

SA: I think Sean is actually asexual. Also, hope that ex-gf is NOT watches as he tells Em he feels more for her in a week than he felt for that chick in 3 years. Buddy you realize that was a real relationship and this is a fake one right? You might need to crawl back to your platonic love after Emily dumps you at the end of this episode.

Also. No one’s watching “The Glass House,” right? Like. No one’s actually doing that. Right?

Okay. Whenever I start dozing off, something creepy happens with Sean that rouses me from my sleep. This time, it’s a letter he wrote…to Ricki. Here we go. And…he’s reading it like he’s giving a presentation on cell mitosis in 9^th grade biology. No one should be writing any letters after the Jef letter. The Jef letter ended all future letters forever. Is it clear by now that I want a Jef letter?

SA: That Jef letter was the only thing, other than the Arie make out sessions, that felt legit this season. Jef's letter and Arie's tongue win.

JA: Finally. He sort of says “I love you.” By the way, today’s drinking game password is any variation of the word “married.”

Oh here it comes!!! OVERNIGHT!!! YEEEEEAH!!!! That’s right, Sean. “No distractions.” Just vagina. Really, Sean? You can’t wait for her to “open up” to you? Okay, I’m gonna stop being a twelve-year-old boy.

And Emily plays the “I’m a mom, get out of sex free” card. I love how her justification is that she doesn’t need “an extra couple of hours” with him because she knows how she feels about him already. An “extra couple of hours,” eh? My, my. SOMEONE’s a little confident about how long she’ll last. Oh, is that not how it works for girls? I slept through that week in Health class. And that one night in college with all those Jell-o shots.

Okay I dozed off again. And I awoke to Jef making some awful analogy between their relationship and some painting that was fuzzy but now it’s a masterpiece…? Not really following.

SA: My sister thinks all of these people are reading off of cue cards and that I should get a job writing confessional copy for the bachelorette. ABC - are you listening???

JA: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA “When Jef said he loved me, I got chills. And even though I couldn’t say anything back, I think he could tell from my face that I was happy.” Um…why couldn’t you say anything, Emily? Are you contractually obligated not to say the L word or something? That’s awfully unfair. Or is something else going on? Does Chris have Ricki hostage somewhere, ready to drown her at a moment’s notice if he hears you’ve said the L word to another man? Did he just go all the way off the deep end when you rejected him? Can you tell I’ve been watching too much of that new Investigation Discovery channel?

What do you think’s going to happen when JEF'S overnight date card arrives?

SA: He beat her to the rejection punch. Ma and Pa CANNOT see their mormon baby, even their hipster mormon baby who drinks, go to the fantasy suite.

JA: The shock on Jef’s face when he learns Emily’s never been to Salt Lake City is priceless. “Wait..you’ve never been to the nexus of All That Is Holy and Good and Mormon-licious? WHAAAAT?”

Oh, and here’s the “why are you awful even though all your boyfriends were amazing” question. Oh my GaGa. Emily really is the only person in Emily’s world. She has walked into this show completely confident that she’s already perfect for all these guys; she just needs to make sure it’s the other way around. I mean, I get that it’s the point of the show, but I think previous Bachelorettes have just been better at pretending that they care about something other than quantifying how adored they are by each of the automaton-men they’re dating.

Oh this is about to get awkward. Overnight date card. Anyone out there actually think Jef’s gonna want to do the sex? Or that he’s ever done the sex?

“Now is the time for us to bridle these passions.” –Jef, AKA the lost Brontë sister

SA: YES, JOSH - Brontë reference in a Bach. ep. AMAZING.

JA: I’m sorry. Maybe it’s me and my thing for brunettes. But Arie. Arie. That’s all I have to say. Their chemistry is above and beyond her chemistry with the other guys, I think. Though the makeup people are cruel for not powdering his T-zone once in a while. (That might be the gayest thing I’ve ever said.)

SA: Quote from my sis - "Someone shout blot him." This episode is taking me back to my previous opinion that Arie is the only one I can actually see her in a couple with. Unless Arie just wants to hit it and quit it - which is a possibility. I think they should definitely get married if she's okay with Arie cheating on her. Which will happen. 


Also, he eats every meal out. Not a good sign for homebody Emily.

JA: Oh look! Flipper! And back to tonsil hockey.

“I don’t know what you do, like, on a Tuesday morning.” Why are you asking him that and not any of the others? Do you think Arie lives in a race car, Em?

I’m asleep again. Is it wrong that whenever they bring up Ricki, I doze off? It’s like the mention of her name is verbal Ambien.

WOW. She’s not even letting him know about the fantasy suite. This girl is juicey goosey for Arie. She literally doesn’t trust herself alone in the fantasy suite with him. I don’t blame you, Em. I don’t see any way on earth he isn’t one of the final two.

SA: If she took him to the fantasy suite there is no way he would buy that 'let's just hang out thing.' He would have her clothes off in two minutes and she knows it. 

JA: I’m really not looking forward to the next hour and a half of Emily crying and staring at headshots.

SA: Did anything happen at all this episode? I don't think it did.

JA: Oh. Emily’s giving me Spring Break Chic/8-year-old Girl Couture in this little getup. Who styles her for these Rose Ceremonies?

I think Chris Harrison is contractually obligated not to leave the room until Emily cries.

SA: Chris Harrison and Emily. When can they tell us this is true. 

JA: Okay, these videos are…a bit much. And they’re a bit much for Emily too. She’s literally staring at the monitor in this emotionless catatonic daze. It’s gonna be so awful when she breaks all their hearts and chooses Ricki.

SA: These videos have to be scripted. After that beautiful Jef letter now he reads her this boring ass statement about how she's a great girl. Also, all of these sound the same. 

JA: My money was on Jef going home. Then I saw Sean’s video. Something doesn’t feel real when Sean says all the “I love you”s. And then there was the creepy letter he wrote to Ricki. Oh, AND THAT ROOM.

Isn’t it crazy to think that most normal women wait years and years for something Emily knew contractually she was guaranteed to get at the end of ten weeks? Thanks, ABC, for returning us to the roots of what marriage was really about. Property.

Okay whose random house in Curacao are Emily and Sean awkwardly breaking up in front of?

SA: Of course she was gonna break up with the insurance salesman and keep the millionaire and the race car driver. Do Ricki's grandparents stop supporting her when she gets married?

JA: I love how Emily breaks Sean’s heart and HE’s the one comforting HER. Because no one loves anything in life more than being strong and supportive for the person who’s dumping you while they’re in the middle of dumping you. I certainly love that. I love it more than ice cream.

I cannot wait for this reunion show. Oh. Actually I can.

Sunday, July 22nd. I get back from Cape Cod that afternoon. Where do we go to watch this together????

SA: SKYPE. If you can wait 3 hours.