JA: This was a LONG two hours.
SA: I am back from the island and ready to watch (one week later)
JA: You know how I can tell just from the teaser that this is going to be good? Chris says to Em: “You make me feel good. Like, crazy good.” I think Chris is confusing crazy good with just plain crazy.
And after some quality Ricki time (is she being drugged?), we head into recaps. Yeah yeah yeah Chris Chris whiny Chris. Note to Em: stop telling us how edgy Jef is. You know how I can tell if a guy is edgy? Because he’s actually edgy. You don’t become edgy just by chopping consonants off your name.
Side note: what the hell does Emily do? Like. For her job? That house is out of control. Even in Charlotte, that looks like it costs a lot of money.
SA: Em's former dead fiance's parents bought her house, they have a shit load of money.
JA: And why do I feel creepy watching Emily turn off lights and lock the door in her pajamas? Like, why are the cameramen still there?
SA: Agreed re: creepy is she locking the camera men into her house?? Also, am I crazy or does Sean sort of remind you of Dave Read?
I think we can tell from the teasers that Arie and Jef are gonna be the final two. And I really don't know why they even threw Chris the hometown date bone, maybe I'll just fast forward thru this part bc honestly who really cares about Chris?
JA: Oh. I forgot Chris is from Chicago. Chris – why are you bringing Emily to a symbol of the worst disaster in Chicago’s history? That’s. Not romantic.
HAHAHAHA “Chris told me he’s falling in love with me. And that made me feel…so…great.” Oh, Emily. You’ve got a purely Chekhovian sense of subtext, don’t you? Can we just get to the part where Chris’s sister hates you?
Wow. There really is no spark here. As the Millionaire Matchmaker would say, I don’t think Chris gets her juicey goosey. This is like a JOB INTERVIEW. Especially when Chris starts to run down his family. Really, Emily? You “like” that Chris just described his mother – your potential MOTHER-IN-LAW – as “overly emotional”? You’re not fast-forwarding in your head to decades of passive aggression and emotional manipulation? No?
SA: Now that I know Chris is Polish I keep comparing him to my landlord Lester. Em seems uncomfortable being alone with him, good thing she has a production crew there. Could she seem any less excited when she said she was excited to meet his family? She's polite but you can always tell when polite people are over it. "If it goes well when she meets my family i'd tell her I love her." but not if it doesn't?
JA: Is it just me, or does no one in Chris’s family look related to any other person in Chris’s family? In fact, I’m going to start air-quoting (and actually quoting) the word “family.” Ooh. Now Emily’s alone in the den with Chris’s “dad.” This should be interesting. Oh. Wow. My expectations were subverted yet again, because it wasn’t interesting.
SA: Chris and Chris's mom both have crazy eyes. Emily, I feel like, is just imagining all the families of the guys she actually wants to meet.
JA: Yeah yeah yeah Chris Chris Mom Chris. She doesn’t seem at all overly emotional. Oh wait. She’s crying a lot. Okay. Yep. Get to the sister.
Every season they have to have a skeptical sister, don’t they? These conversations are so ORCHESTRATED.
Aww, Chris said the L word? If only Arie hadn’t already beaten him to that last week. Because it’s a race.
SA: Okay so I did just fast forward and we can tell how much more Emily likes Jef than Chris just by the way she's dressed. She wore jeans and a sick day sweater to Chris's house and now she has on a white ruffled sundress, cowboy boots and sixteen bracelets. goodbye Chris.
JA: And now we’re four-wheeling!! In Utah!! And we’re shooting things!! Oh, man. I feel like all the off-roading and the gun-shooting are all just a little forced. Is anyone else disturbed by all their gun-gasms?
SA: Emily: I take gun lessons at home. WHATT?!? actually of course she does.
JA: Oh, are we about to get some Mormon realness? There are, um, approximately 758 siblings. And again. NO ONE LOOKS RELATED. Is “my family didn’t like her” code for “she wasn’t Mormon enough”?
Steve is VERY SERIOUS. I stand corrected. THIS is a job interview.
But this entire conversation with his “sisters” is so vapid. I’m sitting here thinking about what I’m gonna have for lunch. Wait WHAT? Where did this random toddler come from? Aaaahhhh and another one just waddled in.
This “log cabin” looks like it’s on the Warner Brothers backlot.
I don’t even have anything snarky to say about this letter Jef is reading.
SA: I actually thought that Jef letter was really sweet, have I been away from the internet for too long?
JA: I can’t wait for Arie’s family. They are gonna serve up some judgey Scottsdale realness.
So. If you wanna see juicey goosey in action, see Em around Arie. Race car driving is…hot. As long as you don’t die.
SA: So she wants Jef to think she's sweet and Arie to thinks she's sexy - that's what these outfits are saying with this skintight knee-length number with a statement necklace and 6 inch heels (and she wanted Chris to be less disappointed when she dumps him I guess)
JA: Finally a family that looks related. I love Dutch people. They’re so atheist and fun. But note to the family: it’s RUDE AS HELL to talk about someone in a foreign language while they’re sitting there. RUDE AS HELL.
I wish my dad were European. That’s really all I have to say about that. I actually really like both of Arie’s parents. They don’t bullshit around and pretend like this TV show isn’t as ridiculous and artificial as it is.
SA: Agreed like when his mom was like, um i watched as another man proposed to you and you said yes and then Emily gave the bs answer she always gives. i kinda dont even want to watch the sean (dave read) visit bc I am sold on Jef and Arie and I know Im just gonna have to look at his red face
JA: TEXAS!! Sean and Emily look so perfect together! I like Em’s dress here too…oh no oh no Sean why are you releasing dogs on her???
Oh. Because they’re friendly dogs.
SA: Emily's texas outfit says "im laidback and pretty". Also now Emily's face is red too, it must be a Texas thing.
JA: Big +1 to the ABC editors: “I feel like Sean, when he says the things that he says, they’re genuine.” That VO is played under Sean’s tongue going into Em’s mouth. WIN, editors. WIN.
Wait WHAT? There’s an actual physical HOUSE in the backyard just for that little girl?
SA: Nicer than my apartment.
JA: Bombshell!!!!! Sean still lives at home!!! Em’s reaction is actually the best acting I’ve seen all season.
SA: She's horrified.
JA: And then we get to his “room.” So not only does he live at home, but his room is…some sort of tornado-ravaged disaster area where terrifying stuffed animals go to die??? There is just no way this is real.
SA: With crumbs and old cookies everywhere.
JA: Oh wow. Good prank, Sean. But I’m still wondering. WHOSE ROOM IS THAT? I don’t think I’ll be okay until that’s settled. I’m gonna need a scalding shower and a crisis hotline after seeing that room.
SA: I'm not convinced that wasn't his room and that he doesn't live at home, i think he saw her reaction and called it a "prank".
JA: Okay, it’s five minutes later and I still don’t really know what anyone’s been saying because I’m still thinking about that room.
SA: Me too.
JA: Oh, ABC. Can you dig up some loose change from the couch cushions and order some more series so that we don’t have to watch a 7-hour episode of this show every week? With all the recapping and the confessionals, this show really only has 10 minutes of new content in each episode. Stop talking about things I JUST SAW. And we know Chris Harrison has watched the dailies, so we’re not convinced.
Chris has to be the one going home tonight. I just don’t see how he stays. For my money, the first two roses will go to Sean and Arie. Maybe Sean and Jef if Em’s too stupid and self-absorbed to see past Arie’s parents’ realness. Which she might be.
SA: I'm still Arie / Jef all the way. Tess brought up the good point that Jef might (oddly) be a weird combo of Arie and Sean, albiet a Mormon one. But let's not forget that Jef is a millionaire and Em likes the dollar signs.
JA: Bam. Arie with rose #1. He’s been my fave for several weeks now.OH SHIT. JEF WITH ROSE #2. Okay now obviously Chris is going home. Unless Em is still thinking about that awful crazy frightening stuffed animal room in Sean’s house. I know I am.
SA: Its Chris tonight, but that room is still freaking me out too and what has me convinced its Sean whose gone next week.
JA:I knew it. Sean all the way. Chris HAS been patted down for firearms, right?
SA:Chris didn't see this coming, he's the only one. Also he's getting really agressive with her, which also reminds me of my Polish landlord when I see him yelling at people on the phone.
JA: OH this is awkward. Is someone ready to intervene in case Chris gets angry and smashes things, like Emily’s collarbone? Welcome to Awkward City, where Chris just got elected mayor. But good for him for not doing the Ugly Doug Cry, which I’m now terming the Dougly Cry.
SA:Dougly Cry. Perf
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